I’m teaching Macbeth to Year 9 this term. We were exploring the Captain’s speech, which describes the brute power of Macbeth, and I suggested that Macbeth is like Chelsea’s Diego Costa, who had been instrumental in Chelsea’s victory over Arsenal last weekend. A number of the boys got it completely with that analogy, so I started exploring it further. This is just a bit of fun, and I don’t want anyone to take it seriously in any way, but here’s the Chelsea Macbeth…
Jose Mourinho is King Duncan, presiding over the Champions of England.
His kingdom is under threat by Arsenal, with whom he has had quarrels in the past.
Arsenal raise a rebellion, led by Macdonwald (Gabriel).
King Duncan sends his most fearsome warrior, Macbeth (Diego Costa) to defend his kingdom.
Macbeth unseams Macdonwald from the nave to the chaps and fixes his head upon Duncan’s battlements.
Duncan labels Macbeth man of the match and showers him with praise.
After the battle, Macbeth makes his way home with his best friend Banquo (Fabregas).
Macbeth meets three witches (The FA Disciplinary Committee). They tell him he will be King, and that Banquo’s son will be King also. Macbeth wants to know more, but the disciplinary panel vanish.
With a three-match ban to think things over, Macbeth sends a message to Lady Macbeth (Eva Carneiro), who has her own reasons to want Duncan out of the way.
Lady Macbeth convinces Macbeth that he can be player-manager of Chelsea if he kills King Duncan. Conveniently, he is coming round for dinner that night.
Macbeth has doubts but Lady Macbeth convinces him that “When you durst do it, then you were a man”.
The hapless Macbeth creeps into Duncan’s room and smothers him with a pillow.
King Duncan’s son, Malcolm (Hazard), is worried he will be blamed and transfers to Tottenham.
With the finger pointing elsewhere, Macbeth and his Lady are crowned King and Queen of Chelsea. Carneiro’s reappointment as the club doctor is welcomed by the medical profession, while Costa promises we will see a more controlled side of his personality as player-manager.
However, Macbeth is concerned about the witch’s prophecy that Banquo’s son will become king. He has Banquo murdered but his son escapes.
During a big Champions League tie, Macbeth is shocked when Banquo’s ghost comes on as a substitute. Macbeth has a meltdown in front of the television cameras, but Lady Macbeth rushes onto the pitch while the ball is in play and insists to the referee that Macbeth is injured. Chelsea have used all their substitutions so they finish the match with ten men.
Macbeth goes back to the FA Disciplinary Committee, who spout a load of old nonsense which confuses him more than ever.
Macbeth becomes increasingly paranoid and is convinced that one man in particular has it in for him… Macduff (John Terry).
Macbeth raids Macduff’s house but he has been playing away. Macduff’s wife (Toni Poole) and children are callously murdered.
In a shock development, Macduff is pictured at Tottenham Hotspur in talks with Daniel Levy and Malcolm. Tottenham agree to raise an army to take down Macbeth once and for all.
Disguised as a Europa League side, Tottenham catch Chelsea unawares. Macbeth’s defences are shattered.
Overwhelmed by guilt, Lady Macbeth decides to end it all.
Macbeth and Macduff come face to face. The FA have told Macbeth he cannot be harmed by man of woman born. But John Terry’s morals are clearly below the threshold of decent mortals. The realisation strikes fear into Macbeth’s heart.
Macbeth throws on his warlike shield, and yells “Damn’d be him that first cries ‘Hold, enough'”. Macduff has been making mince-meat of strikers for almost two decades, and Macbeth is finally slain.
Order returns to the universe and the price of transgression is clear.